Stories by @thedispearing

Masters of the Universe (2008)

Ah, who didn't like the mid-to-late 2000s Hasbro toy adaptations? Other than everyone who wasn't a straight white 12-year-old boy, I guess. All jokes, with the new Masters of the Universe film looking like a flop before it's even come out, I ponder if the film would've been a certified hit way back in 2008, just a year after the first Transformers movie, when we were still stupid enough to watch this kind of slop (don't get me wrong, we're still stupid now, just not in this extremely specific area. In fact, I can picture the story now: with Eternia now under the rule of Skeletor, the monster now plans to expand his conquest to Earth, the planet He-Man had been banished to. With the help of a couple of horny high-schoolers (I see you, Bay!), He-Man must come back and save the world again! Throw in a couple Harriers and McG coming off a mediocre sports movie, soon to direct the most forgettable Terminator, and you've got yourself a solid 600 million dollar box office and a Mr. Plinkett review!

All-Star Superman

An adaptation of Grant Morrison's classic Superman tale, with not a word or frame changed!

Chomp

An adaptation of the Carl Hiaasen novel of the same name- though now, with more an adult focus. Sorry, I don't want to make up a movie for kids.

He Got Game

A remake of Spike Lee's sports classic "He Got Game"... 28 years later!

O Sister, Where Art Thou? (2020)

Yeah, what if we gender-swapped the Coen brothers' (arguably) best film (not actually arguable)? I think it'd be cool! We'll push it up a couple decades, so now it's the 1950s, and now it's about women who didn't conform to male pressure and are on the run to win their families back! But like in a cool way, not in a lame girlboss kind of way. You get it, you get it, you get!

Tarzan: Between Two Worlds (2018)

Let's be real here, the Disney live-action remake era was weird. Between the uninspired remakes of classics like "Aladdin" and "The Lion King", it was pretty bad nostalgia bait (cue that one RLM clip where they play the Star Wars adult fan clip). But what if, it was kind of inspired? Okay, here me out. Obviously remaking the later films in the Disney Renaissance is either murky social territory (Pocahontas, Hunchback), or cable movie slop (Hercules, Emperor's). But what if you took a classic literary work, say, Tarzan, and reimagined as something like Peter Jackson's King Kong; part social commentary, part big budget spectacle. Picture this: a wealthy professor launches a major expedition into Equatorial Africa, hoping to find his great discovery, his reluctant daughter betrothed to his chief of security, when he finds his great discovery, a real feral human! Or who gives a whoop, amirite? I mean, I'm basically describing a whole new Tarzan adaptation, with the 1999 film as a cheap excuse for really remaking King Kong 2005 but with a normal sized dude! Sure would be better than the 2016 version. Or maybe I'm just pissed that 2018 is no longer the current era. Seriously, what the hell guys?!

House (2024-2031)

House... twenty years later and gender-swapped! Let's hope they do a better job with the final season this time.

Now You See Me (1993)

Now You See Me... Twenty Years Earlier!

Project X (2026)

Project X... 14 years later! Now, I won't lie, is this a movie that should be left in the past? Probably. But hey, it's fun to imagine what it would be like if this movie came out today, warts and all. And I should say, no open casting call thing here. Sorry to all you fancasters who feel so smart when you say "an unknown should play this role", when you know damn well the fun of fancasting comes from imagining recognizable actors in different roles! Obviously in real life the audition is king and actors are picked based on their performance in the role, but this is fantasy casting, so let's just have some fun! Whew, that was heavy. Alright, let's get into it!

Mission: Impossible 2 (2020)

You know the deal, gender-swapped and yadda-yadda.

Mission: Impossible (2016)

A gender-swapped remake of Mission: Impossible in 2016?! Whaaa?

Disney's Hercules (2025)

Disney's Hercules, remade in 2025. Yeah, yeah, real original. Also, can I say how much I hate the fact they killed that series of great theatrical release posters for Disney renaissance films with this movie? Seriously, can someone please make a fan poster in the style of John Alvin?

Hot Tub Time Machine

Ah, nostalgia! 80s nostalgia, while oddly durable by nostalgia wave standards, is a classic, but what about 2000s nostalgia? I know, I know, Y2K is played out as hell, but c'mon guys, let's give it a chance! And while we're at it, how about that Hot Tub Time Machine? It's funny, I loved the movie at 13, but watching it now, it doesn't really hold up. Guess that's just the passage of time or something. Anyways, we're trading synth-pop for emo, perms for crop tops, and general early 2010s politically incorrect humor for modernity, because away we go!

How I Met Your Mother

How I Met Your Mother... Twenty Years Later! Less Millennial Cringe, more Gen Z cringe, hooray! Maybe Ted won't be such a prat in this version, and they won't completely screw the ending.

Servant of the People

An American remake of the Ukrainian political satire that starred Zelenskyy.

Click (2025)

A remake of Adam Sandler's "Click", in 2025!

Contact (2025)

The Carl Sagan story turned film, 28 years later.

Spider-Man (2025)

What if Spider-Man had a reboot similar to James Gunn's Superman?

Scythe (2025)

What if Scythe was adapted as a prestige TV sci-fi drama?

The Ultimate Disaster Flick

Oh, how we miss them. Though the days of a movie like Independence Day uniting everyone may seem like a halcyon dream now, it wasn't unrealistic all that long ago. Though a post-COVID world has made disaster flicks obsolete, let's recollect the age of Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, and 2012, and most importantly, let's make fun of it.